How do you turn off of your children? When does a parent say, ‘they are on their own?’ Now I am not judging any parent because I can only imagine the pain it takes to turn your back on your child, but I have to ask who then becomes responsible? Is it me? Is it society? I recently lost a cousin. He died homeless and abandoned. I think I heard he was living under a bridge. How could I have so much and he have nothing? This haunts me. How do you end up under a bridge? I have always had nightmares as a child about being on soup lines. I have always believed I lived through the Great Depression in a past life. As a Christian I do believe many of us have lived before. How else can you explain these dreams? And maybe it is these dreams that have always driven me to be successful. And that doesn’t mean author, tv producer, or radio host… I have worked in fast food, auto shops, restaurants, retail, and I have even cleaned houses. I have been earning money since I was 12 years old. I went to college and then graduate school but then I lived at home until I got married at 28 years old. I could have gotten an apartment but I spent all my money on designer clothes. Actually, I didn’t start to make the big six figure salary until after I was married. And then a few years later I had a baby and gave the paycheck up. So with all my talk about being independent and making money, I have never had to support myself. I went from my parents to my husband. And to this day on my own I have never saved a dime. Where would I be if I didn’t have the support of my parents when I was younger? Where would I be if I didn’t have such an amazing husband? Did the supportive parents lead to the supportive husband? Does giving your child a good start lift them to a great life?
Last night we took our son to watch a basketball game at Dartmouth. He loved it. Now he has his sights set on going to Dartmouth. It’s an Ivy League school and if he can get in there his path is set. But what if I don’t push him. What if I don’t save for college? What if I couldn’t afford to send him to college? What if he pisses me off one day and I kick him out? The next five years in my home will alter the life of this young man. Could he do anything to cause me to turn my back on him? If he ended up living under a bridge in twenty years would it not be completely the failure of my husband and I as parents?
I know this economy is a nightmare. A lot of parents cannot put money aside for college. But there is financial aid, and there are student loans. And if college isn’t the thing for your child, the top ten non export jobs are electricians, plumbers, mechanics, carpenters, and you can make sure your child has a vocation. But their future is your responsibility now. It is up to us to make sure our own children have a good life but to make sure all of our children have good lives.
We need to create a loving and supportive environment at home so our children have the tools they need and the self esteem to go out and live their dreams. We need to demand jobs for our children. We need to make sure they have a future. It is your job. If your child fails, you are a failure. It is as fact. You cannot say that you did everything you could. If your child is living homeless under a bridge you did not do everything that you could.
I ask you, what does it take for a parent to either disown, or kick their child out of the home?
I think the biggest way we fail our children is when we do not teach them respect. Respect for God, respect for us, respect for others, and respect for themselves. I just spent a weekend at a Christian youth retreat and saw some of the most respective children out there.
Another way we fail our children is when we do not teach them priorities. God first, others second and themselves last. Their personal priorities should be for a good education and to help others. If they value themselves without being selfish, they have a good chance to succeed at whatever they do.
It is such a tragedy today to read in the news that the American Association of Pediatricians thinks that choking hazards are the biggest child killer in this country and that it needs immediate government intervention. They want to blame Oscar Meyer for killing children with the shape of a hot dog, but they say nothing about abortion. Talk about screwed up priorities!
I have three children. Both of my sons are adults now and have served or are serving in the military. Even though they aren’t multi-millionaires, I am very proud of them and their choices. My daughter is still in high school and hopes to attend college. Whatever path she choses, I know I have laid a good Christian foundation under her. I do not fear what God will say to me as a parent on judgement day. I am confident I have been a good steward of the children he entrusted to me.
I cannot imagine anything my children could do to make me disown them or abandon them. When you love your children like God loves us, it is unconditional. Nothing expected in return. That doesn’t mean we hand them everything they want the minute they ask and allow them to disrepect us. It means we teach them how to be productive members of society. Even if we ourselves were not raised to be independent, we can model it for our children. Respect, love, and faith are basic building blocks to teach all children. We owe it to the next generation to leave behind the best kids we can grow.
great post,Darla. I grew up with strict parents. My dad genuinely loves and cares for us. Sometimes I wonder whether or not my mother loved me as a child. I don’t remember her taking us on shopping trips with her. She would always leave me at home with a so called uncle, who then sexually molested me at the age of 5. All because she wouldn’t put up with me crying for a toy or something at the store. My little sister would always get picked up by her mother and little sister but they would never take me with them. Upon returning from their shopping trips they would bring her new dresses from the mall and chocolate chip cookies from Mrs. Fields. While I would cry and watch from the side. This really irritated my dad and would cause them to get into big fights about it.
When I got to the age of 15 I found out through school and an awesome teacher about sexual molestation and finally got the courage to tell my parents about what had happened to me under their roof. Most of my life, she has treated me as a different
person. My Father was upset when he found out and made it mandatory, that no one is to ever come and live in their house, even if it’s a relative. I could see that it has been a burden on him ever since. I do agree 100% that if your child fails, it’s your fault. I’ve gone through so much pain throughout my
life, but that hasn’t stopped me. If it wasn’t for the awesome teachers and supportive friends that stood by me..I wouldn’t have gotten this far. I love my dad and all that he does for our family and will never forget it. My children are raised differently and no one child gets spoiled while the other is left alone. I love taking my children on shopping trips with me and put up with their little temper tantrums because they’re children. Reading to them and playing with them makes my day and reminds me that I can be a better mother, by being a better example to my kids.
Dear Darla Shine,
I am sorry for your recent loss of your cousin. It is sad to hear of unfortunate situations such as the one you touched upon. How old was he? Did he have any addictions? Was there any mental illness? Parents can only do so much for children once they become adults. As much as we want to help them, they do make their own choices. You blame parents for their children’s mistakes. I don’t agree. As parents, it is our responsibly to care and nurture our children to become independent adults. There are no guarantees at what age they finally become independent. I have a 19 years old son who has been kicked out of his rich father’s home with no place to go. I am doing the best to help him yet I live with a roommate in a small rental. My son has never had a job. The whole family has tried to help him. I get no aid from the father. My son is rude to me no matter how I try to help him. He used to be a sweet considerate 16 years old son. Things change. Maybe it is hormones. I don’t know. I go to church. I come from a close family. Parents cannot be labeled failures due to their children’s actions. I hope your son stays as nice as he is now. Please don’t be so quick to label and judge others. Please dig deeper with a compassionate heart for all involved. For that matter, where were you as his cousin? See what I mean. My sympathy to you all.
My husband and I, as well as our 3 daughters are born-again believers. All 3 of them are over 18, and have made the choice to fornicate with their boyfriends, which my husband had told them would be a deal-breaker. As a result, they have moved out (more or less) and are responsible for their own futures. We have made it clear to them that, “Home is where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in”. If their lives fall apart, we will let them “come home”, even if just for a short time. BUT – if they were drug addicts or career criminals, I do not think we’d feel the same way. Which might be how a person could end up under a bridge.
Just my opinion.
I just read your post and my heart sank. I have read your book and truly embraced many of your ideas. But I am totally disenchanted. From above: “I have always believed I lived through the Great Depression in a past life. As a Christian I do believe many of us have lived before.” Are you serious? The belief in reincarnation is absolutely NOT Christianity. You might practice some form of Scientology which often tries to tether itself to Christianity, but it is only an attempt to mold and twist Christianity into something that “fits” what they want it to be or what “feels” good. Put simply, Scientology believes in reincarnation and that personal salvation in one’s lifetime is freedom from the cycle of birth and death associated with reincarnation. They believe that religious practice of all faiths is the universal way to wisdom, understanding, and salvation. In contrast, the Bible teaches that there is only one way of salvation and that is through Jesus Christ. Jesus Himself said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life, no man comes to the Father except through me” (John 14:6). I believe there are plenty of good ideas and remarks on parenthood and child-rearing here, after all, I have subscribed to receive this email. However, I am a mother who tries her best daily but realizes that, in this one life that God has placed me, I am a truly indebted sinner and will stumble and will fail. I don’t get another chance with some new life here on earth. What I do get is a Savior who paid the price for my mistakes and provides a place for me, without any effort or righteousness of my own, in heaven with Him when this life is over.
I am the mother of 6, all adult children. The older kids are all successful with full lives and families of their own. However, the last child, whom is 18 now, seems to have a problem with getting a job. I am with Lorraine when I speak of my son being rude to me, yet expects to be given a roof over his head, food to eat and of course, the utilities to be on the Internet and play video games.
I have given him ultimatums, and yes, I have kicked him out. You dont bite the hand that feeds you! But, I have also had compassion and let him come back in. He still doesnt have a job. But I have been trying to teach him the Law of Grace. You reap what you sow!
When things go badly, you THANK GOD for the experience, and move on! Somehow, those roadbumps become easier! I think its God’s way of opening a door when he closes a window!
Sooner or later, my son will find a job, and realize that what Mom has told him all along was true about the world we live in.
Your cousin must have burned many bridges in order to end up living under one!
You all make so many great points. Stephanie, you said you showed compassion and let your son back in. What if you hadn’t? What if he was left on the streets? That is my question. These kids, even if they have an addiction, or are rude, what happens to them? Is throwing them out the right answer? Does it wake you up or push you further down into a hole? I am sure my cousin had addictions. I am sure his parent believe they tried their best. But my question is are we failures if our children fail. I am not judging anyone. I am wondering.
Emily, I feel badly if you feel disenchanted with me. As a Christian I believe in Jesus and being a good person. I don’t hurt anybody and I always try to do the right thing. I don’t have all the answers. I am just trying to understand myself and the world around me.
Maopa,God Bless you! I am so sorry you were robbed of you childhood. You sound like you are a great mom. Good for you!
“If your child fails, you are a failure. It is as fact. You cannot say that you did everything you could. If your child is living homeless under a bridge you did not do everything that you could.”
I have to disagree with with Darla, My mother and father took in 2 of my cousins when my uncle could not raise them any more (they were 16 and 17 and i was 13 at the time) Both of the boys were trouble makers coming into our home high on heroin (one spent a week in detox at butler hospital before he could join his brother at our home) My parents tried everything to get them on the right path, putting them back into school, (they dropped out in 6th grade) even private schools, counseling, family support, getting them jobs, extra. Nothing worked, they both stole money from my parents, got suspended all the time, and somehow were still getting drugs from the sellers at school (i knew every drug dealer at school thanks to them) We tried to help them and gave them a roof over there head for over 3 years, with no improvement. The younger one turned out the best (or best we could hope for) and has a part time job at Wendeys, and lives with his girlfriend and her 4 kids. The other however is homeless, a drug addict, and steels anything he can get his hands on. He stole out of his own brothers home, and has even been disowned my the rest of his siblings(which there are 5). Dose that mean we failed them, absolutely not, dose that mean my uncle failed them absolutely not. Todays world is cold, and there is no one out there to help you but yourself and you can either rise to the challenge or not. Children have there own minds and have to make their own decision and those decision are what alter there life, as parents you can only do so much for them at some point they have to learn to fly, and unforutenatly sometimes they fall and there is just nothing you can do about it. Now we still see them sometimes, and do everything we can to keep them out of jail and other sticky situations, even as far as fostering their children when the state takes them away ( i will be fostering/adopting the “bad ones” youngest a 3month old baby girl) but at there age they are there own problem now. and you can not blame there upbringing or “failure” on anyone but themselves.
Darla,
Was your cousin ever taken to church? How was he raised as a child? Are you raising your children the same way? We do not “fail” our children. God gives us children to raise according to His will and then return to Him. Yes, children become adults, and at the age of accountability, God requires them to choose. That choice is on them — not you as a parent. If you have taught them to read their bible and pray, taken them to church and sunday school, modeled appropriate christian living, prayed over them and disciplined them, there isn’t much more you can do. They will answer to God just as we do.
I pray for your cousin’s family.